Out and In

When my eldest, Indigo, was in their mid-teens - around 15, I think - they wrote me a note and left it on my pillow before they went to bed. In it, they explained that they were bisexual. And they didn’t want to talk about it.

Being me, I went right to Indigo’s room, knocked, and went in. We sat there in the darkness with only the hall light streaming in (sometimes its better not making eye contact when embarking on an awkward conversation) and let them know that I read their note. I told them that their dad and I are okay with it, we still love them, and (the biggest shocker of all to them) I also identify as bisexual.

I could dimly see the change in their expression, but could clearly hear the relief: “Really??”

That was the first step of our family’s entrance into the LGBTQ+ community. As Indigo continued to grow into themselves, they began to share more of their self-discovery. It continued with a few more notes left on my pillow (to which I promptly barged into their room to talk about it), but eventually developed into honest and open conversations with not just me, but also their dad and younger sibling.

I was determined to be the most helpful, open, welcoming mom I could possibly be. I was going to be SO supportive and accepting and make sure my kid knew they were loved and everything was just fine. And… I messed up. A lot. I still do.

Indigo is now 21 and preparing for their last year of college. They have legally changed their name, come out as gay and nonbinary, and are continuing to find their place and understand their self-worth. They have also been patient and understanding as I mess up their pronouns, accidently use the dead name, or ask questions about terms or expressions I don’t know.

I have found that, when a child is coming “out,” they are also inviting you “in.” It isn’t just a “them” thing. To be a supportive family, it becomes an “us” thing because we can be the best support our child has. We are the parents, siblings, grandparents, and relatives who love this person making us their allies as much as their family.

So if you are reading this because you want to support your LGBTQ+ child, welcome to the Family.