Permission to Grieve: Scott’s story
Scott knew from a young age that he was gay. But he also knew that wasn’t something he should announce to his conservative Christian family.
So, being a good son, he went to Bible College. He attended counseling, which he described as a “veiled conversion therapy.” And he continued to struggle with his sexuality.
“Either I needed to kill myself or get married to stay in my family,” he said.
So, at age 21, Scott married. He and his wife had two beautiful daughters, but the relationship couldn’t survive and they eventually divorced.
Finally, at 48 years old, Scott came out to his family.
“I was scared shitless, even as an adult,” he said regarding telling his parents and the fear of what their reactions would be.
That level of fear is for young people – particularly those living at home – is even higher.
Scott’s advice:
Learning that your child is different from what you anticipated can be difficult and any feelings of grief as a result are natural.
“Give yourself permission to have that grief and to not beat yourself up over it,” Scott said. “Engage in that sorrow so that you can move to that place of authentic radical acceptance of something you don’t have control over.”
While it is important to embrace the grief, he said, “do it in a way that doesn’t make your child feel that they have done anything wrong. You can then pivot to being the person that your child needs when they need you most.”
It all comes down to honesty.
“When you can really be honest with yourself, you can be honest with your child,” he said. “Walking that process with them goes back to welcoming the grief to get to a place where you can be welcoming with your child.”
This leads to his second piece of advice: “Be open to the unexpected and be open to how wonderful love can be.”
Now at 53, Scott – a university provost and mentor to graduate students – is living his authentic life with his husband, John, and their dog. His parents and extended family have accepted and welcomed this new aspect of Scott’s life and are truly happy for him.
“Seeing how John was treating me, how much love was there, was the real pivot,” Scott said. “I think that’s been a surprise for everyone. It all just sort of fits together.”
