I should have been in school today…

I should have been in school today. It was the first day back for teachers in my county and at my former school, and I wasn’t there. I posted a Facebook message to my former colleagues and other teacher friends wishing them luck and joy in the coming year and then sat there and cried.

I didn’t expect it to still be this hard.

Instead of sitting through dumb ice breakers and the oft-repeated back-to-school notices and introductions that could probably have come in an email, I wandered around my house trying to settle to something. I skimmed social media, posted silly things, had a few snacks, played games on my phone, and generally felt lost.

By this point (I hope) everyone should be home from school now and relating the first day stuff to their families. And I’m still feeling anchorless.

I know that if I went back I’d already be in a state of high frustration and anger with the series of new “rules” that came out last month from the Florida Department of Education.

I know I’d be irritated because I couldn’t get into my classroom since the floors haven’t fully dried from being waxed and teachers were supposed to have time in their rooms today.

I know I would be really missing my support system there as most of my teacher besties quit when I did.

I know all of these things, but I am still sad and a little regretful.

I was at a meeting last night for Equality Florida and heard another teacher – a big bear of a man with a beard – talking about what he could do to push back without getting fired. I shook his hand and wanted to thank him for sticking with it, for fighting, but I broke down instead, stuttering, “I quit.” This incredible man who I do not know wrapped me up in an enormous hug and whispered in my ear as I sobbed: “Don’t you feel guilty. Don’t you feel guilty. You do what is best for you.”

But I do feel guilty. I miss my school. I miss my classroom. I miss my students and coworkers. I miss having a predictable job that I LOVED.

For all of you still in the classroom. I love and respect you. Do your best and love our kiddos. I’ll be praying for you all.